I may have told this one before. A guy is sitting in his car waiting. He sees a boy sitting on the curb & he watches him. The boy would pop a m&m in his mouth,Than bite a cat on the a*s, & slide down the curb. Than he would repeat the whole proceess. The man got out of his car & asked the boy what are you doing. He said playing truck driver. The man said truck driver. The boy said yeah. He said I'm popping bills Eating pu*sy & moving on down the line.
;D
Q: What's the similarity between sex and banking? A: In both cases you lose interest after withdrawal.
That's pretty dam good
;D ;D you fellas are funny
I liked the one larry The Cable Guy Told about cramps. He said he went to the bathroom to get a asprin. He open the medicine cabinet & a tampon flew out & hit him in the eye. He said the package busted open & landed in the toilet. It blew right up. He said my God honey that's why you have those cramps your using the wrong size or something. The one about the 69 position is funny. He said his girl friend asked him if he wanted to do the 69 position . He said she didn't even give him a chance to answer. She just flops her hind end down on his face. His nose up her but & she farts a few times. He says good lord what was that. She says you don't like ? He says No I don't like. I can't take 60 more of those besides you almost knocked the truck out of gear.
It's better when he tells it.
:D
Omg caveman soooooooo fuckn funny
"How is a woman's 'pussy' like a grapefruit?
Answer: The best of both squirt when you nibble on them!" ~ Anonymous
Yes Well put !!!!!! :) :)
Here's another one...
"What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
(Answer) They are both used as a meat substitute!"
Why is Christmas like a day at the office? You do all the work while the fat guy in the suit takes the credit.
Yeah but think about this. He only gets to cum once a year so he is really backed up. That is probably why he is fat the excess has to go some wheres.
;D ;D ;D ahhhhh hahahaha you fellas are fucking hilarious :D and firefighter I can relate to the squirting joke I luv to squirt :D however I squirt way more than a grapefruit so when you nibble on me bring your helmet/ face shield :o laughs
We don't want to wear a helmet/face shield. We don't want to waste any of your love juices. We want to figure away not to spill any. Being squirted on by you is a beautiful thing!!!
Yeah
:o ;D thank you caveman :-*
One girl told her best friend, omg I fucked a Brazilian guy! Her friend said you whore!, how many guys is a Brazilian ? A hehe..... Stevie Ray at her finest!
That's a good one.
Here's a bad one but I couldn't resist because it is funny...
Confucius say, "Drunk man who eat pussy that tastes like shit, must flip woman over!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "So now you want me to stay?"
I like both of those jokes. Keep them coming.
"I want you to dress my deceased husband in a light blue suit" said the wife to the undertaker, "since that was his favorite color." After the funeral the wife was very pleased with the undertaker's work and said, "How much extra do I owe you for the nice blue suit? My husband looked wonderful and the suit fit perfectly."
The undertaker retorted, "You don't me owe anything extra ma'am. We didn't have a suit to fit your husband, but we had another man we who looked great in his blue suit so we simply switched their heads!"
"My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off first!"
What do the female reindeer do on Christmas eve while the males are out pulling Santa's sleigh? They go into town and blow a few bucks.
That or I find myself pulling them out of my grill. from when they run out in front of me & I can't stop & hit them.
"Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!" ~ XAVIERA HOLLANDER
Ant that the true. ;D It's even worse when you start yelling at yourself. How did you f*ck that up! :o If you start saying stop touching me It's time to go away. :o
The next thing you know your saying .I'm ok now. :o
That's very cute and funny! ;D caveman and no I've never heard it...
Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
"It is not true that sex degrades women... that is if it is any good." ~ Alan Partridge
"It's the good girls that keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time!" ~ Tallulah Bankhead
That's because the good girls haven't worked up the nerve. The bad girls were tossed into it & learned to enjoy it previded it's done right! That's my conclusion & I'm sticking to it. Unless it's going to get me in trouble. Than I denigh the whole thing. I know nothing Lol! ;D ;D ;D
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still look sexy!
I don't know about that one. A hot bald pot belly lady that sounds like a turn on to me. Seeing a lady pregnet can be hot!!!! Britteny Spires when she shaved her head hot!!! I say a lady could pull it off. ;D ;D ;D ;D
"Morning Sex"
My lover was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
and wearing only the T-shirt in which she normally slept.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or is this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
yeah that's a good one!
Ha ha ha oh wow that's funny
Q: What happens when you mix LSD with birth control pills? A: You get a trip without the kids.
So is that what you call a wild ride?
Did you hear about the guy who was found dead at the Las Vegas Venetian hotel in a bathtub full of milk, bananas and Cheerios?
They suspect a cereal killer! ;D
I'm a cereal killer. I just killed a whole bowl today Lol ;D ;D
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research!
So if you do both. I guess that makes you a plagiarism Researcher. ;D
Or just lazy.
or creative enough to try. :D
"In the nineteenth century masturbation was a disease; in the twentieth, it was a cure."
;D ;D ;D ;D
With married men it is a way of life.
"The angle of the dangle is equally proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the urge to surge remains constant."
Fire Fighter, Your Masturbation joke. You know in some places if your caught masturbating they cut off your hand. I know I'm glad I don't live in such place. I'd would have to use my feet until they cut them off. :o Than I would be in deep dodo. ;D ;D
Quote from: caveman on Dec 08, 2013, 12:51 AM
Fire Fighter, Your Masturbation joke. You know in some places if your caught masturbating they cut off your hand. I know I'm glad I don't live in such place. I'd would have to use my feet until they cut them off. :o Than I would be in deep dodo. ;D ;D
Caveman,
A hand is bad enough, but some barbaric cultures cut off a chronic masturbator's penis. :'(
That's the place where you have to learn to retract it. Say to them what penis I don't see no penis Lol! ;D
how would they know they were masterbating unless the were being peepers 8) its wut did they say about that type of kink back then ??? ;D
Well it was usually someone that couldn't control them self & did it in public. They see a beautiful woman like yourself & get turned on. Every body gets to excited every once & a while. ;D ;D Look at pee wee Herman he lost a lot when he got caught & not just his load!! ;D
oh hey that reminds me of a place in san fransisco called the power exchange...me and a couple of girls went there for the errotic exotic ball my first year at the Mustang and the guys were like zombies chasing us around not saying a word with their cocks in hand and eyes wide open :o noooo.... we got the fuck out of there quick and in a hurry afraid to touch anything...the bouncer was laughing as were running out screaming ewh!!! and he said you girls must not have been here before...we were like fuck no and we dont think we will ever come back he said we should try a differnt night when they have classier theemed night... I have yet to go back ;D ;D that was 2007 ;D ;D wut a trip i will have to go into detail later ;D
(Question) "What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
(Answer) They are both used as a meat substitute!"
Please do I love story time!!! ;) I went to the bar near me like about 15 or 20 years ago to see a ladies biki contest. I saw like 50 guys looking at three ladies. I was thinking to myself what the hell is this.I was like what a disappointment. The place has changed hands like 3 or 4 times. It's a restrant with a bar now. It's a nice little place but you order something you better not have eaten for a month. They said they had a special on steak $16. something I'm expecting something the size of my hand not counting my fingers. They bring this thing out like the side of a steer. Don't get me wrong it was good but that was more than I wanted to eat one sitting. Half of that would have been fine. I remember this place they called gewillickers. A friend & coworker talked me into going there. I went like twice that was 25 years ago. The pictures they posted outside made it look like the place to be but it wasn't fun to me. It was awkward!!! :(
That's a good one firefighter!
I was standing at the bar in a Texas honky-tonk and this little Chinese guy comes in stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fruck you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick."
Did You kick his a*s? ;D
;D ;D thats funny firefighter
"It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up." ~ Joan Rivers
q: Why is Santa so jolly?
a: He knows where all the naughty girls live!
q:Why dont santa and mrs clause have kids?
a:santa only comes once a year
What did the blonde say after sex?
are you guys all on the same team?
What does a blonde wear around her neck to look sexy?
her ankles!
Santa is so jolly because he knows he's going to pop his cork. He knows the naughty girls will give him a good lick,suck, & ride him cowgirl good time. They don't have kids because first time they did it. santa had so much pressure he ruin mrs clause babby maker. Not to mention all the white stuff every where. He blew her across the room. That's why in there marriage agreement they have the mrs clause.
"Why should we take advice on sex from the Pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!" ~ George Bernard Shaw
Quote from: firefighter on Dec 13, 2013, 03:15 AM
"It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up." ~ Joan Rivers
That's how I'm feeling right now :(. I need my brothel virginity taken it's Been damn to long!
I know who gets tied up me!!!!! ;D ;D
Quote from: Ayana on Dec 13, 2013, 09:05 PM
Quote from: firefighter on Dec 13, 2013, 03:15 AM
"It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up." ~ Joan Rivers
That's how I'm feeling right now :(. I need my brothel virginity taken it's Been damn to long!
I will see ya the last week of Feb. Ayana.
The Dirty Spoon
A man entered a restaurant and sat at an open cleaned table. As he sat down, he knocked a spoon off the table. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant... He determined that considerable numbers of our customers knock a spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, all male waiters do. It seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to relieve myself, I simply pull the string, urinate, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. It saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other male waiters, but I use one of the spoons in my pocket."
I like that.
Nooooo ah hah ha ha that's terrible
"Show me a man who doesn't eat his woman's pussy and I'll show you a man's woman I can steal!" ~ Confucius
here's one I told before that heard on radio. Man goes in dinner in a small town & orders soup. He's eating the soup & finds a hair in it. He gets all pissed off & starts yelling there's a hair in my soup I'm not paying. The lady that ran & ownes the dinner. Appoligized to him & kept telling him how sorry she was that happen. The man left & she noticed he walked across the street to the brothel. Now she is getting mad so she goes to the brothel. She ask the lady running the brothel where he is. The lady says up stairs. She goes up there throws open the door & sees the man face & elbow deep in the lady. She starts yelling at the man. You complained about my soup having a hair in it & look at you now you have a mouth full of hair. You wouldn't pay for my soup. She's going on & on. The man finally stops & turns & says to the lady from the dinner. That's right I won't pay you for your soup with a hair in it & if I find a noddle in her I'm not paying for her either!!
:D
Two Ironies to share (an irony being a humorous comparison):
Irony 1.
We are told NOT to judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics."
BUT, on the other hand, "We are encouraged TO judge ALL Gun Owners and NRA Members by the actions of a few lunatics."
How is that supposed to be logical thinking?
Irony 2.
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever to 47.5 million people (most recent figures available April 2013).
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Dept. of the Interior, tells us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." One of their stated reasons for the policy is because "the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."
I'm confused at their apparent contradictory logic.
http://www.nps.gov/grca/naturescience/wildlife_alert.htm
Thus ends today's two lessons in irony.
:D
Quote from: firefighter on Dec 15, 2013, 10:49 PM
Two Ironies to share (an irony being a humorous comparison):
Irony 1.
We are told NOT to judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics."
BUT, on the other hand, "We are encouraged TO judge ALL Gun Owners and NRA Members by the actions of a few lunatics."
How is that supposed to be logical thinking?
Irony 2.
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever to 47.5 million people (most recent figures available April 2013).
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Dept. of the Interior, tells us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." One of their stated reasons for the policy is because "the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."
I'm confused at their apparent contradictory logic.
http://www.nps.gov/grca/naturescience/wildlife_alert.htm
Thus ends today's two lessons in irony.
Too late for this bear. I wonder if his name is Yogi? Hey! Where's my pic-a-nic basket? ;D
Nice prospector Bob!
"Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you."
;D
The teacher asked Johnny, "Why is your cat at school today Johnny?" Little Johnny replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy once Johnny leaves for school today!'"
That's a good one. Here is another one I told before heard on radio. a guy is sitting in his car waiting for some one & he sees this kid on the curb. He starts watching him. The kid would throw a couple m&m in his mouth, Pick up the cat & bite it on the a*s, Slide down the curb, & repeat the whole process over & over again. The guy got out of his car & asks the kid what are you doing. The kid said playing truck driver. The guy said huh. The kid said I'm popping pills eating pu*sy & moving on down the line.
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner when her daughter asks, "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend and asks, "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" Her mother retorts, "You get Jewelry my dear, expensive Jewelry!"
Quote from: firefighter on Dec 18, 2013, 04:01 PM
Her mother retorts, "You get Jewelry my dear, expensive Jewelry!"
Yeah, that didn't work for my ex. Good joke, though.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make a Doctor's appointment, and by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
;D ;D ;Danother great joke firefighter
A patient asks, "Doctor, can I get AIDS from sitting on a toilet seat?" The doctor replies, "Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up."
That's a good one.
I saw a fortune teller yesterday. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I had sex with a girl called Penny... is that spooky or what? ;D
;D
A Husband is Down in Aisle 5!
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
That's him on the floor in Aisle 5.
No beers were Harmed in the making of this Joke! ;) ;D
The Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone with whom you don't want to be seen. ;D
Quote from: firefighter on Dec 23, 2013, 02:26 PM
The Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone with whom you don't want to be seen. ;D
That is so true.
"Chastity is curable, if detected early."
How early are we talking?
Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times for food, beer or the restroom and who leave early before the end of the performance or event. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
celibacy is not hereditary
All Thank God!!!!! For a minute there I thought I was in big Trouble! ;D
Another one heard on the radio. A mother walks in on her 6 or 7 year old masterbating. She says stop that you'll go blind.
He says all mom can't I just do it until I need glasses!
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
Chuckles that's great :o
A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons and says, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.'
The Drover continues, 'Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his private parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer, 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up... 'I'll try it... if you promise not to hit me with a beer bottle!' ;D
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, you released me from the lamp, so you probably want me to grant you three wishes. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy..."
The genie retorted, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
;D ;D
:D :D
This Russian guy is on his annual Black Sea holiday. While strolling along the beach, he finds a genie lamp and rubs it. The genie comes out and says, "You have one wish, and one wish only. Think carefully." The man replies, "I should like to be able to piss vodka." The genie nods his head and says "consider it done." The man goes home, and one night he gets two glasses out of the cupboard and calls to his wife,"Olga my dear, come! We drink vodka" and they drink the night away. A few days later the man gets out two glasses and calls out, "Olga, my dear, come! we drink vodka." And they party till sunrise. Another night the man gets out one glass and says "Olga, my dear, come! we drink vodka!" His wife says, "Sergei, my dear, of course, but why one glass?" Slyly he replies, "Tonight, my dear, you drink from the bottle."
Quote"Tonight, my dear, you drink from the bottle."
So that's what it takes! Lesson learned. Thanks Michael J.
Good thing she only wanted vodka. If she wanted brandy he would have had to put in another spickit!!! Than he could have two lines!!! He should have made his one wish that He could get a million wishes granted!!!! ;D ;D
Without nipples, boobs would be pointless! ;) ;D :D
!00% agree with that!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Short sighted...
A furious husband walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 45 ACP pistol with an 8 round magazine, and yelled, "Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo!"
A man is at a cocktail party when who walks in but his ex-wife's new husband. He walks over and sneers, "So what's it like dealing with second hand goods?" The new husband shrugs and replies, "Pretty good. Once I got past the first three inches, the rest was brand new!"
;D ;D ;D
Two truck drivers were visting nagra fall. The one said to the other. I slept with my wife before we got married did you. The other trucker said I don't know what's her name.
;D
Subject: Marathon Sex
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (66), sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her; that'll put a stop to that shit!" ;D
Quote from: firefighter on Jan 31, 2014, 11:51 PM
Subject: Marathon Sex
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (66), sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her; that'll put a stop to that shit!" ;D
EXACTLY !!
shamelessly lifted from somewhere else
One day a little Indian boy walked up to his father the chief and said "I'm ready for a women." The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days" The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods. Three days later, he returns and says "I'm ready for women." The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee." The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over. The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked. "Just checking for bees." replied the boy.
:D
$7 SEX
A Nevada couple both well into their 50's go to a Sex Therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that an experienced couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, so we can't go to her house. I'm married, and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all... OBUMMERCARE pays $43 of it!
I like it . I guess I need Obummercare! ;D
Q: Why do Japanese people have erections? A: So they can vote.
A mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened... I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, naked in our marital bed with another man! This is unforgivable and the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "I told you there must be a simple explanation... she didn't receive your email!"
Awesome joke Firefighter!!
Loved it, thanks for posting!!
awhhh ah ha ha thats terribly funny
OK... Here's my first joke. --- G-pa dave
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side
of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: Your Honor, when I put a
dollar into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?'
Don't laugh, he won! 8)
The Head Shot ~ A tasteless Joke but still funny
Linda Burnett, 26 and a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws in Arkansas and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally broke in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
Linda is a blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault. ;) ;D :o
A Caring Word from an Air Force Pilot
During a commercial airline flight an experienced US Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby and the little tike sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The pilot sadly shook his head and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And to think I've wasted all these years using chewing gum."
Quote from: firefighter on Feb 23, 2014, 03:25 AM
A Caring Word from an Air Force Pilot
During a commercial airline flight an experienced US Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby and the little tike sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The pilot sadly shook his head and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And to think I've wasted all these years using chewing gum."
The next time I experience ear pressure problems, I'm driving to Mustang Ranch for help and forget the gum!
"People don't appreciate a lot of life experiences in school until they get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a gorgeous young teacher... stuff they pay good money for later in life." ~ Emo Phillips
I would have glady let a couple of teachers spank me. I've been naughty! ;D ;D ;D
A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!
Firehouse Cook or Food Chemist?
True Story: When I was working at the firehouse, we had a terrible cook at one station. After one of the guys ate dinner, the cook asked him how he liked it. He said that he wished he was a dog so he could lick his ass to get the taste of the food out of his mouth!
Now that was the ultimate insult to any cook. The guy that made the comment would argue about the person preparing the food being a real cook. He called him a food chemist... a food chemist is a person who can take grade "A" food and turn it into shit without having to pass it through a human body.
Now the so-called cook didn't think it was funny in the least, but the other firefighters thought it was one of the best firehouse jokes of all time.
:o ;D
A guy comes home to see his wife sliding down the banaster over & over again. He askes her What are you doing? She replies warming up your dinner!!!! :o ;D ;D
oh I see you heard about that couple that lives on luv alone ;D
There is nothing wrong with that!!!!
Nope shure isnt
Double Standard for Men and Women
When a Girl uses a vibrator, it's viewed as erotic pleasure.
BUT... when a guy makes passionate love to a 240-volt Binford Fuck Master Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optimal built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system and affectionately names her Miss Sugar Pussy, he's branded a pervert. ;D
;D
Quote from: firefighter on Mar 22, 2014, 06:57 AM
Double Standard for Men and Women
When a Girl uses a vibrator, it's viewed as erotic pleasure.
BUT... when a guy makes passionate love to a 240-volt Binford Fuck Master Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optimal built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system and affectionately names her Miss Sugar Pussy, he's branded a pervert. ;D Yeah I want to know what's up with that?
WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN?
A husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the Wife
Looks over at him and asks the question...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: Dead silence...
HUSBAND: (Thinking... "Oh shit.")
Hahahaha fucking funny
"It's only when a mosquito lands on a man's testicles that he realizes there is always a way to solve problems without using violence." ~ A True Gentleman
:D :D :D :D (//http://:D) I know my share of Food Chemist!
Quote from: firefighter on Feb 26, 2014, 05:35 AM
Firehouse Cook or Food Chemist?
True Story: When I was working at the firehouse, we had a terrible cook at one station. After one of the guys ate dinner, the cook asked him how he liked it. He said that he wished he was a dog so he could lick his ass to get the taste of the food out of his mouth!
Now that was the ultimate insult to any cook. The guy that made the comment would argue about the person preparing the food being a real cook. He called him a food chemist... a food chemist is a person who can take grade "A" food and turn it into shit without having to pass it through a human body.
Now the so-called cook didn't think it was funny in the least, but the other firefighters thought it was one of the best firehouse jokes of all time.
Funny!!!
Quote from: firefighter on Mar 31, 2014, 03:16 PM
"It's only when a mosquito lands on a man's testicles that he realizes there is always a way to solve problems without using violence." ~ A True Gentleman
What's the difference between parsley and pussy? Nobody eats parsley.
Two sperms are racing to reach the ovule. After a minute, one asks the other, "Hey, how much longer until we reach the ovaries?" The other answers, "Keep swimming fool, we haven't even passed the tonsils yet!"
A patient asks, "Doctor, can I get AIDS from sitting on a toilet seat?" The doctor replies, "Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up."
The Darwin Awards are bestowed honoring the least evolved among us...
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence sent an adjuster to investigate. He tried the machine and lost a finger too... The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago-returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at a bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head trauma received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer very badly. He decided that he'd throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.... The man, frustrated, walked away. *A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a rubber hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to steal gasoline, but he put his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Reminds me of the time Superman tripped and fell on his "S".
What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? The rooster clucks defiance and the lawyer.....see if you can figure it out.
"Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere." ~ Groucho Marx
Q: How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood? A: When his right hand caught fire.
Joke of the Day
A doctor informed family members, "The only lifesaving alternative for your loved one is a brain transplant. It's a very risky experimental procedure, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the operation, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain and $200 for a Republican's brain."
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats in the family actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republican family members. A relative unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain?"
The doctor smiled at the question and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard market pricing. Republicans' brains are less expensive because they've been used."
Quote from: firefighter on Feb 12, 2015, 05:40 AM
Joke of the Day
A doctor informed family members, "The only lifesaving alternative for your loved one is a brain transplant. It's a very risky experimental procedure, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the operation, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain and $200 for a Republican's brain."
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats in the family actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republican family members. A relative unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain?"
The doctor smiled at the question and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard market pricing. Republicans' brains are less expensive because they've been used."
;D ;D ;D
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~ Groucho Marx
Women should be obscene and not heard. ~ Groucho Marx
Only 90% of women admit that they like cunnilingus oral sex; however, the denying 10% are liars!
Q: Why did Snow White get kicked out of the Disney toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and saying "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Monica Lewinsky's love handles
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror. She remembered her younger days with Bill Clinton, and thought about the way she looked at that time.
Monica's frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on GOD for help. "GOD, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to You," she prayed!
And just like that, poof, her ears fell off!
I just love a happy ending!
Guy walks into an antique store and asks, "What's new?"
Quote from: naughtytatyana on Mar 11, 2016, 12:43 AM
Guy walks into an antique store and asks, "What's new?"
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
The bartender gave it to her.
:o ;D
Quote from: naughtytatyana on Mar 11, 2016, 12:43 AM
Guy walks into an antique store and asks, "What's new?"
I store owner explains to a blind man, why he can't bring his dog in the store. He replies oh, I see
Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's g spot? A: A man will spend twenty minutes looking for a golf ball.
A fish ran in to a wall and said, "Damn!"
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, it's not going to come to you.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a scum sucking bottom feeder, the other is a fish
Lol
I was thinking about opening a candy shop specializing in suckers & lollipops. The clerk at the city business license department said, to open a shop like that, I need to get a licker license. :o ;D
A little girl is in a barber shop, watching her father get a haircut. She is standing right next to the barber's chair, eating a snack cake. The barber says, "Little girl, you're going to get hair on your twinkie." She replies, "I know. And I'm going to get boobs, too."
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
-Lilly.
Q - How does NASA organize a party?
A - They PLANET.
;D ;D
Confucius Say: Man with hole in pants pocket feel cocky all day... ;D
Confucius say: Wife put man in doghouse. Man end up in cathouse.
Confucius say: Silk panties not best thing in world, but next to it! ;) :P
Confucius say: all men eat, but Fu Manchu.
Fried egg sandwich walks into a bar. Fernando says, "We don't serve food here."
An elderly couple is watching a faith healer on TV. He says, "For those of you in my television audience, you too can enjoy the benefits of my healing powers. Simply place one hand on the TV screen and the other on the afflicted portion of your body." So the woman places one hand on the TV and other on her hip. The old man puts one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch. The old woman looks at him and snaps, "For heaven's sakes, George, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!"
That's funny right there. I don't care who you are.
What's long, hard, and had cum in it?
A cucumber
What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?
Gum
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
Court Stenographers:
How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
Court Stenographers:
How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved.
Then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My Daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. ''What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking!"
My brother sent me this text recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while? My wife kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"
Monica Lewinsky's love handles
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror. She remembered her younger days with Bill Clinton, and thought about the way she looked at that time.
Monica's frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on GOD for help. "GOD, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to You," she prayed!
And just like that, poof, her ears fell off!
A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied, "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied, "Get your own fuckin' blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
A Romantic End.
You're Fired
The Human Resources Director had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to two people either Mary or Jack. It was a difficult decision because they were both excellent employees.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the water cooler for a glass of water to take an aspirin.
The Human Resources Director approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."
In response Mary asked, "Could you jackoff then?" "I have the fuckin' headache from hell and feel like shit this morning."
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row totally nude in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his dick, and the candidates were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a proper state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest Carlos. Poor Carlos... As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over from the waist with his butt in the air to pick it up and then all the other priests' bells started ringing.
Humans are deuterostomes, which means that they develop in the womb, and the anus forms before any other opening. Which basically means at one point, you are nothing but an asshole... A problem is that some people never develop beyond this point.
"Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to... unless you're in prison!"
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still look sexy! ~ Paraprosdokian
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you! ~ Paraprosdokian
You do not need a parachute to skydive; you only need a parachute to skydive twice! ~ Paraprosdokian
"In the nineteenth century masturbation was a disease; in the twentieth, it was a cure."
"I just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex!"
"It'll be a sad day for sexual liberation when the pornography addict has to settle for the real thing!" ~ Brendan Francis
Switching Suits...
"I want you to dress my deceased husband in a light blue suit" said the wife to the undertaker, "since that was his favorite color." After the funeral the wife was very pleased with the undertaker's work and said, "How much extra do I owe you for the nice blue suit? My husband looked wonderful and the suit fit perfectly."
The undertaker retorted, "You don't me owe anything extra ma'am. We didn't have a suit to fit your husband, but we had another man we who looked great in his blue suit so we simply switched their heads!"
Colonoscopy in San Francisco
I was nervous and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy; I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco where the nurses are allegedly more beautiful, gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, a gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
The moral of the story is don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco especially if the medical staff plans to put you out completely!
I love reading all of these 😂😂😂
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.
"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.
"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Quote from: Krickett on Aug 30, 2016, 05:31 PM
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
LOL now THAT was awesome! I need someone to say that to me!
Oxymorons
1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
6. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
8. Why do we sing, "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light?"
11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
12.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
13. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
14. Why is "phonetic" not spelled the way it sounds?
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay people to do it?
16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
18. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
26. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
27. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
A bus full of catholic school girls crashes with a train.
The whole bus dies and goes to heaven.
St.peter is standing at the gate as the first girl enters.
St. Peter ask her. Have you ever touched a penis?
Yes with my finger.
Ok well then dip it into the holy water and enter the gates.
The next girl enters the gate again St. Peter ask have you ever touched a penis?
She replies yes with my foot.
With that he says dip your foot into the holy water and enter the kingdom of heaven. She does just that.
Then there's a ruckus from in back of the line and this girl comes barging to the front.
St. Peter holds his hand up and speaks to her sternly. You must wait your turn why are you in such a hurry.
She replies. No hurry just wanted to gargle with the holy water before Mary Teresa sticks her ass in it.
LOL !!