Author Topic: Joke  (Read 50604 times)

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Cobia

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Re: Joke
« Reply #216 on: February 22, 2017, 01:16:43 AM »
LOL !!
I ain't askin no body for nothing if I can't get it on my own
So if you don't like the way I am livin then leave this long haired country boy alone !!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chewed your ass out all day long.

RachelVarga

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Re: Joke
« Reply #215 on: February 22, 2017, 12:56:33 AM »
A bus full of catholic school girls crashes with a train.

The whole bus dies and goes to heaven.

St.peter is standing at the gate as the first girl enters.

St. Peter ask her. Have you ever touched a penis?

Yes with my finger.

Ok well then dip it into the holy water and enter the gates.

The next girl enters the gate again St. Peter ask have you ever touched a penis?

She replies yes with my foot.

With that he says dip your foot into the holy water and enter the kingdom of heaven. She does just that.

Then there’s a ruckus from in back of the line and this girl comes barging to the front.

St. Peter holds his hand up and speaks to her sternly. You must wait your turn why are you in such a hurry.

She replies. No hurry just wanted to gargle with the holy water before Mary Teresa sticks her ass in it.

firefighter

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« Reply #214 on: January 20, 2017, 06:13:58 PM »
Oxymorons

1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

4. Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?

5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

6. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

8. Why do we sing, "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

10. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light?"

11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

12.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

13. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

14. Why is "phonetic" not spelled the way it sounds?

15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay people to do it?

16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

18. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

23. Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren't we clean when we use them?

24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

26. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

27.  Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
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dreamscometrue

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Re: Joke
« Reply #213 on: September 04, 2016, 12:09:13 AM »
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

LOL now THAT was awesome! I need someone to say that to me!

Shay

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Re: Joke
« Reply #212 on: August 30, 2016, 05:31:55 PM »
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

dreamscometrue

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Re: Joke
« Reply #211 on: August 30, 2016, 02:18:02 PM »
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

dreamscometrue

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Re: Joke
« Reply #210 on: August 25, 2016, 08:14:44 PM »
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

Violet

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Re: Joke
« Reply #209 on: July 06, 2016, 05:23:39 AM »
I love reading all of these 😂😂😂

firefighter

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« Reply #208 on: July 06, 2016, 12:16:41 AM »
Colonoscopy in San Francisco

I was nervous and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy; I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco where the nurses are allegedly more beautiful, gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, a gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

The moral of the story is don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco especially if the medical staff plans to put you out completely!
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firefighter

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« Reply #207 on: July 05, 2016, 04:57:40 PM »
Switching Suits…

“I want you to dress my deceased husband in a light blue suit” said the wife to the undertaker, “since that was his favorite color.” After the funeral the wife was very pleased with the undertaker’s work and said, “How much extra do I owe you for the nice blue suit? My husband looked wonderful and the suit fit perfectly.”

The undertaker retorted, “You don’t me owe anything extra ma’am. We didn’t have a suit to fit your husband, but we had another man we who looked great in his blue suit so we simply switched their heads!”
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firefighter

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« Reply #206 on: July 05, 2016, 04:50:41 PM »
“It’ll be a sad day for sexual liberation when the pornography addict has to settle for the real thing!” ~ Brendan Francis
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firefighter

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« Reply #205 on: July 05, 2016, 04:46:58 PM »
“I just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex!”
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firefighter

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« Reply #204 on: July 05, 2016, 04:43:16 PM »
“In the nineteenth century masturbation was a disease; in the twentieth, it was a cure.”
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firefighter

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« Reply #203 on: July 05, 2016, 04:42:39 PM »
You do not need a parachute to skydive; you only need a parachute to skydive twice! ~ Paraprosdokian
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firefighter

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« Reply #202 on: July 05, 2016, 04:42:05 PM »
I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you! ~ Paraprosdokian
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firefighter

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« Reply #201 on: July 05, 2016, 04:40:55 PM »
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still look sexy! ~ Paraprosdokian
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firefighter

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« Reply #200 on: July 05, 2016, 04:10:45 PM »
“Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to… unless you’re in prison!”
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« Reply #199 on: July 05, 2016, 04:09:26 PM »
Humans are deuterostomes, which means that they develop in the womb, and the anus forms before any other opening. Which basically means at one point, you are nothing but an asshole… A problem is that some people never develop beyond this point.
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firefighter

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« Reply #198 on: July 05, 2016, 04:07:29 PM »
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row totally nude in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his dick, and the candidates were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a proper state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest Carlos. Poor Carlos… As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over from the waist with his butt in the air to pick it up and then all the other priests' bells started ringing.
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firefighter

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« Reply #197 on: July 05, 2016, 04:03:11 PM »
You're Fired

The Human Resources Director had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to two people either Mary or Jack. It was a difficult decision because they were both excellent employees.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the water cooler for a glass of water to take an aspirin.

The Human Resources Director approached her and said, “Mary, I’ve never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off.”

In response Mary asked, “Could you jackoff then?” “I have the fuckin' headache from hell and feel like shit this morning.”
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firefighter

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« Reply #196 on: July 05, 2016, 03:58:41 PM »
A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied, “just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied, “Get your own fuckin’ blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

A Romantic End.
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firefighter

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« Reply #195 on: July 05, 2016, 03:51:49 PM »
Monica Lewinsky’s love handles

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror. She remembered her younger days with Bill Clinton, and thought about the way she looked at that time.

Monica’s frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on GOD for help. “GOD, if you take away my love handles, I’ll devote my life to You,” she prayed!

And just like that, poof, her ears fell off!
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firefighter

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« Reply #194 on: July 05, 2016, 03:50:19 PM »
My brother sent me this text recently. It read, “Can I stay at your house for a while? My wife kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it’s worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister’s throat!”
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firefighter

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« Reply #193 on: June 29, 2016, 05:53:13 PM »
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.   

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.   

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved.

Then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.   

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
 
'Yes ma'am. My Daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
 
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. ''What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
 
"Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking!"
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firefighter

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« Reply #192 on: June 29, 2016, 05:45:02 PM »
Court Stenographers:
How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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