Joke

[caveman]

That's funny right there. I don't care who you are.

[Tennessee25]

What's long, hard, and had cum in it?

A cucumber

[Tennessee25]

What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?


Gum

[firefighter]

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[firefighter]

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

[firefighter]

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

[firefighter]

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

[firefighter]

Court Stenographers:
How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

[firefighter]

Court Stenographers:
How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

[firefighter]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.   

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.   

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved.

Then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.   

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My Daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. ''What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking!"

[firefighter]

My brother sent me this text recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while? My wife kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"

[firefighter]

Monica Lewinsky's love handles

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror. She remembered her younger days with Bill Clinton, and thought about the way she looked at that time.

Monica's frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on GOD for help. "GOD, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to You," she prayed!

And just like that, poof, her ears fell off!

[firefighter]

A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied, "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied, "Get your own fuckin' blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

A Romantic End.

[firefighter]

You're Fired

The Human Resources Director had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to two people either Mary or Jack. It was a difficult decision because they were both excellent employees.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the water cooler for a glass of water to take an aspirin.

The Human Resources Director approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."

In response Mary asked, "Could you jackoff then?" "I have the fuckin' headache from hell and feel like shit this morning."

[firefighter]

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row totally nude in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his dick, and the candidates were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a proper state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest Carlos. Poor Carlos... As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over from the waist with his butt in the air to pick it up and then all the other priests' bells started ringing.