Joke

[Cobia]

 

[caveman]

A guy comes home to see his wife sliding down the banaster over & over again. He askes her What are you doing? She replies warming up your dinner!!!!

[Phoenix]

oh I see you heard about that couple that lives on luv alone 

[caveman]

There is nothing wrong with that!!!!

[Phoenix]

Nope shure isnt

[firefighter]

Double Standard for Men and Women

When a Girl uses a vibrator, it's viewed as erotic pleasure.

BUT... when a guy makes passionate love to a 240-volt Binford Fuck Master Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optimal built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system and affectionately names her Miss Sugar Pussy, he's branded a pervert.

[Phoenix]

 

[caveman]

Double Standard for Men and Women

When a Girl uses a vibrator, it's viewed as erotic pleasure.

BUT... when a guy makes passionate love to a 240-volt Binford Fuck Master Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optimal built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system and affectionately names her Miss Sugar Pussy, he's branded a pervert.   Yeah I want to know what's up with that?

[firefighter]

WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN?
A husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the Wife
Looks over at him and asks the question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND:  "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:  "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: Dead silence...

HUSBAND:  (Thinking... "Oh shit.")

[Phoenix]

Hahahaha fucking funny

[firefighter]

"It's only when a mosquito lands on a man's testicles that he realizes there is always a way to solve problems without using violence." ~ A True Gentleman

[Ayana]

  I know my share of Food Chemist!

Firehouse Cook or Food Chemist?

True Story: When I was working at the firehouse, we had a terrible cook at one station. After one of the guys ate dinner, the cook asked him how he liked it. He said that he wished he was a dog so he could lick his ass to get the taste of the food out of his mouth!

Now that was the ultimate insult to any cook. The guy that made the comment would argue about the person preparing the food being a real cook. He called him a food chemist... a food chemist is a person who can take grade "A" food and turn it into shit without having to pass it through a human body.

Now the so-called cook didn't think it was funny in the least, but the other firefighters thought it was one of the best firehouse jokes of all time.

[Ayana]

Funny!!!

"It's only when a mosquito lands on a man's testicles that he realizes there is always a way to solve problems without using violence." ~ A True Gentleman

[firefighter]

What's the difference between parsley and pussy? Nobody eats parsley.

Two sperms are racing to reach the ovule. After a minute, one asks the other, "Hey, how much longer until we reach the ovaries?" The other answers, "Keep swimming fool, we haven't even passed the tonsils yet!"

A patient asks, "Doctor, can I get AIDS from sitting on a toilet seat?" The doctor replies, "Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up."

[firefighter]

The Darwin Awards are bestowed honoring the least evolved among us...

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence sent an adjuster to investigate. He tried the machine and lost a finger too... The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago-returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at a bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head trauma received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer very badly. He decided that he'd throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.... The man, frustrated, walked away. *A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a rubber hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to steal gasoline, but he put his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.