Joke

[Cobia]

 

[firefighter]

$7 SEX

A Nevada couple both well into their 50's go to a Sex Therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that an experienced couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, so we can't go to her house. I'm married, and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all... OBUMMERCARE pays $43 of it!

[caveman]

I like it . I guess I need Obummercare!

[Michael j.]

Q: Why do Japanese people have erections?  A: So they can vote.

[firefighter]

A mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened... I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, naked in our marital bed with another man! This is unforgivable and the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "I told you there must be a simple explanation... she didn't receive your email!"

[Maya]

Awesome joke Firefighter!!
Loved it, thanks for posting!!

[Phoenix]

awhhh ah ha ha thats terribly funny

[GrandpaDave]

OK... Here's my first joke. --- G-pa dave

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side
of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: Your Honor, when I put a
dollar into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?'

Don't laugh, he won! 

[firefighter]

The Head Shot ~ A tasteless Joke but still funny

Linda Burnett, 26 and a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws in Arkansas and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally broke in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

[firefighter]

A Caring Word from an Air Force Pilot

During a commercial airline flight an experienced US Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby and the little tike sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The pilot sadly shook his head and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And to think I've wasted all these years using chewing gum."

[firefighter]

A Caring Word from an Air Force Pilot

During a commercial airline flight an experienced US Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby and the little tike sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The pilot sadly shook his head and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And to think I've wasted all these years using chewing gum."

The next time I experience ear pressure problems, I'm driving to Mustang Ranch for help and forget the gum!

[firefighter]

"People don't appreciate a lot of life experiences in school until they get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a gorgeous young teacher... stuff they pay good money for later in life." ~ Emo Phillips

[caveman]

I would have glady let a couple of teachers spank me. I've been naughty!

[GrandpaDave]

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

[firefighter]

Firehouse Cook or Food Chemist?

True Story: When I was working at the firehouse, we had a terrible cook at one station. After one of the guys ate dinner, the cook asked him how he liked it. He said that he wished he was a dog so he could lick his ass to get the taste of the food out of his mouth!

Now that was the ultimate insult to any cook. The guy that made the comment would argue about the person preparing the food being a real cook. He called him a food chemist... a food chemist is a person who can take grade "A" food and turn it into shit without having to pass it through a human body.

Now the so-called cook didn't think it was funny in the least, but the other firefighters thought it was one of the best firehouse jokes of all time.